JenTastic and her family are renting a lovely home in NC. Being a military family, they are used to moving around a lot and basically house bouncing. She had to choose this house sight unseen with the help of the Interweb and her friend Sarah who lives in the area. They had a pretty good strategy going…JenTastic would scope out homes online and then Sarah would go visit them and report back with her assessment. Kind of like Match.com or eHarmony for houses. I think I’d like that job.
The upside to moving every 3 years or so is that you get really good at purging crap and packing. JenTastic is an amazing packer. She can also rip open boxes like no one’s business. Another upside to moving a lot is that you get to live in a lot of different places and really learn what kind of house you like (or dislike). She’s lived in restored barracks, stand alone homes, townhomes, apartments, you name it.
The downside to moving (and renting) every few years is that you’re often stuck living with questionable decor. That my friends, is the subject of this here blog post. Nothing against the lovely lady who owns this house, it *is* a nice home. She just has strange ideas about decor and dare I say, taste? After walking through this house I had the impression that she was in her 50s/60s, but alas that is not the case.
Me: So, the lady you’re renting this house from…she’s in her upper 50s-ish, right? From the generation before us?
JenTastic: NO! Can you believe she’s OUR age! (said with a great deal of sassy head shaking and widely opened eyes emphasis – Jen’s friends will know The Look of which I am speaking)
Me: Really?? NO! (cue the dramatic music)
JenTastic: YES! This house is like a granny gone bad and there’s no EXCUSE for it!
Me: *shaking head* So sad. Don’t let me ever go down the path of poor taste in home decorating.
JenTastic: Giiiiirl, I will be your home decor reality check, dontcha worry.
OK, maybe I made up that very last part, but I’m sure she was thinking that in her head. But yes, the lady who decorated (????) this home is in her 30s.
Now I will present the evidence of questionable decor.
Let’s start with the dead flowers in the bathroom. I’m all for the “Picket fence” look, but maybe with silk flowers. I mean seriously, these roses are dead. Dried flowers have ROTTED and DIED, people. Do you really want something rotten and dead hanging in your bathroom?
Bathroom #2 – Crazy Balloon Land. WTH? No, this isn’t creepy at all. Not even when you look really really closely.
The other side of BalloonLandia. What is that? A BLIMP? In the bathroom? Next to a mobile of shooting stars. Nice.
(Actually JenTastic just informed me that her children call it the “Dirigible in the Bathroom” How smart are those kids?)
Moving on from the dead flower, balloon infested bathrooms to one of the children’s rooms where we see this lovely switch plate. Personally, I don’t do cute, fuzzy OR snails. This would have to go.
The back porch is a really nice area and I’ll be so jealous of the lovely reading zone when it’s not a million freaking degrees out there. This is overall a nice room, full of screened in windows that will allow for a good breeze.
Check out this madness.
Yes, that really bold border goes perfectly with the raw wood paneling. The kind that will give you splinters when you touch it. Love it.
Now, let’s direct our eyes to the floor. A hand painted harlequin pattern complete with pink ladybugs which JenTastic already covered with the carpeting. (Secretly, I kind of like this…but maybe not in this room)
Moving on to the kitchen. This lady has a rooster border, which I guess in itself isn’t terrible, but look at these roosters. Do you notice anything strange about them? Go ahead, take a good look. I’ll wait.
THEY ARE WEARING ANIMAL PRINTS!
*bangs head on wall* Lady, you’re killing me.
In the dining room, I have no words. I will let the wallpaper scream for itself.
I just have to say that Jack better hurry on up and climb down so he can escape the Giant.
This house is full of dormers on the second level, which generally means lots of little storage rooms of some sort. I’m sure as a kid, I would have loved a little minature room in my own bedroom to have as a play room, but from an adult’s perspective, it’s not going over so well.
This would be the perfect time to mention that JenTastic has an irrational fear of little things. I’m going to leave it at that.
Check out the weirdly cut out doors.
I had the pleasure (??!) of sleeping a few feet away from these rooms and I’m not ashamed to say they creeped me out a little. Even more in the morning when I’d wake up and the DOORS WOULD BE OPEN.
OK, just one of them. The one with the square window. It took me a few days to figure out that Dexter the Cat was jumping in there at night and exploding out like a flying monkey, which I personally experienced at 5 in the morning and thought I was being sent to Jesus.
Finally, the last and most disturbing thing isn’t really a decor issue. It’s the scary locked door at the back of the house. Bad enough that it’s a scary locked door, but it also has a gaudy mirror attached. Oh the horror!
See for yourself.
Extreme close up of the lock. it’s like the Lost numbers, what is the mystery of 8 7 3? Do we dare open the lock and see what lives in this closet? We will have to stay tuned to see what happens!
Have I mentioned that I think I gave myself a laughing hernia on this trip?
Why can’t you get ripped abs from laughing? I may invent that exercise program.